Around this time of year, we get countless encouragements to acknowledge all the things we are grateful for. And so we tend to think of all the goodness in our life – loving relationships, community, physical and mental health, financial abundance, fulfilling careers, passion projects, etc. – and give our thanks.
This is, of course, a wonderful and important practice.
But this year, through the hardship of divorce, parenting, and all the other struggles life has to offer, what feels more resonant for me is stopping to give thanks to all the “badness” in my life. I find that so many of the things I did not ask or wish for or that create difficulty in my life turn out to be some of my greatest gifts. They push me to grow in new ways. They open up doors of possibility that I couldn’t have imagined before.
My father’s death comes to mind. Of course, I miss him dearly. I wish he could meet my kids. I wish I could talk to him as the man I am today. I wish I could be sharing Thanksgiving dinner with him one more time.
And yet, his death has been among the most important stepping stones along my path. That loss and hardship have shaped me into the person I am today. They have instilled in me resilience and a much deeper appreciation of the preciousness of life.
This is something similar to the Stoic principle of “amor fati” – the love of your fate – and Nietzsche’s “eternal recurrence.” These principles ask us to truly embrace and treasure everything life has to throw at us – both the things we label as good and whatever we label as bad. We live our best lives when we actively choose the life we actually have, rather than yearning for some different, more “ideal” one.
So today, as you give thanks around the table, perhaps consider all the struggles, losses, and disappointments in your life. See if you can find a way to give thanks to them too, for offering grist for the mill and for the unexpected opportunities and gifts they will inevitably provide in time.
You might find that there’s not only a lot to be grateful for there, but that the simple act of appreciating and choosing the “badness” lightens its burden on you.
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Peter Schulte
I help aspiring changemakers do good in the world and feel good in the process.