I’ll be honest: I find some people challenging and annoying. Maybe I’m not alone in this. I personally tend to get triggered by people who talk too much or exhibit unexamined black and white thinking that leaves no room for me or others to think differently.
After spending extended periods of time with someone who triggers me like this, I can sometimes devolve into criticism and judgment about them. Sometimes this is just healthy processing and venting. Other times, my internal dialogue about it is harsher and more vindictive than I’d care to admit.
Recently, one such triggering person revealed to me that they have a significant mental health diagnosis that very clearly explains the particular behavior in them that I find difficult. In an instant, my annoyance and judgment evaporated. As soon as I knew they had a “good reason” for their “bad behavior,” I could immediately orient to them with much more love, compassion, and grace. I saw that this is not a choice they are making, but rather something they are struggling with against their will, whether due to genetics or trauma earlier in life.
It didn’t necessarily make the behavior less difficult. But the clinical diagnosis freed my mind from my judgment about it. It gave me all the permission structures I needed to let go of the annoyance and welcome in patience and compassion. It wasn’t just that my mind rationally felt bad about judging someone with a mental health diagnosis. In this case, the nagging tightness in my body about it was truly just gone. What a relief!
As I’ve reflected on this, the biggest a-ha for me is in acknowledging that no such diagnosis was actually required in the first place. I could have this orientation toward anyone and everyone if I chose to. Everyone has a “good reason” that perfectly explains how they are showing up. We are all swimming in a sea of trauma, abuse, and neglect.
Sometimes it’s enough to be diagnosable. Sometimes not. It doesn’t actually matter.
The only diagnosis that anyone really needs is “human.” Being human is hard! Being a human in 2025 is especially hard. Of course we are coping in ways that are difficult, annoying, unhealthy, etc.
Perhaps someday I will be able to bypass the annoyance and judgment altogether. Maybe someday I will go straight to compassion without having to remind myself of this.
But until then, I have my own “good reasons” that perfectly explain why I sometimes react like this. And I get to be human too. So do you.
Peter Schulte
I help aspiring changemakers do good in the world and feel good in the process.