Pain is a path to purpose

Pain is not the enemy. I think of pain as a loyal messenger letting us know about our unhealed wounds. It's not trying to hurt us. It's trying to show us where we are already hurt and need to heal. It's trying to tell us when we need to stop, rest, and give ourselves a break.

We most often think of these unhealed wounds as the effects of specific, damaging events, such as abuse or profound loss. However, these wounds also arise, perhaps just as often, from important moments that didn't happen, as the result of neglect. Maybe our parents or society didn't validate our emotional realities. Maybe there wasn't space for us to truly be or express ourselves. Maybe we weren't taught important skills or tools that help us navigate the world.

Take a house plant. We can hurt them both by overwatering them and by neglecting to water them sufficiently. (I do both.) The same goes for humans. We can either be flooded by others' shame and toxic behaviors, or we can be starved of love and care. The results on our system are similar. We take on limiting beliefs about ourselves and the world that cloud our inner knowing. In either case, we need to heal ourselves before we can truly continue to grow.

Though we often think of wounds as the result of an attack, we might also think of emotional wounding simply as the absence of something critical to our well-being and development. If we are neglected, we are denied care and attention. If we are abused, we are denied safety and trust. If we experience profound loss, we are denied comfort and stability.

Our emotional wounds give birth to our passions and values

We often take on toxic, shameful beliefs about ourselves and the world as a result of abuse, loss, or neglect. We might call these lasting effects wounds. And these wounds often corrode our connection with ourselves and the world, infecting our relationships, careers, creative endeavors, and beyond. In some sense, they are our biggest barriers to the lives we most yearn for.

But that is only part of the story. In many cases, these wounds can also be the impetus for our core values to truly blossom and articulate themselves within us. They can be the source of our greatest passions. Through experiencing the absence of something vital to our development (e.g., love, belonging, trust, security, care, etc.), we come to know – quite viscerally and profoundly – what in life we most cherish, what most makes our hearts sing, what we are most to committed to, and what we most wish to cultivate in ourselves and the world.

In this way, perhaps paradoxically, emotional wounds both disrupt our development and can be one of the most important elements of our development. I like to think of them as not only an inevitable part of this human experience, but a profoundly meaningful and potentially constructive one.

Our pain is part of our genius

In previous posts, I've described our genius as a stew of three core ingredients: passion, talent, and values. But we might think of our pain as a fourth ingredient. Our pain not only points us quite clearly to where healing is needed within us, but it also can point us quite clearly to our passions, values, and deepest sense of purpose. What we didn't get at an important time in our lives might become what most brings us joy, inspiration, and meaning later in life.

Because of that, purpose-driven leaders are well-served by actively seeking to understand and integrate their emotional pain. Doing so not only heals and liberates us, but also offers a window into our life’s path and how we can make our greatest contribution. By understanding and integrating our pain, we gain a deeper understanding of and access to the roots of our passions and values. Our values become much more than an intellectual or moral cause; they become something felt deeply within us. We learn to hold them in our hearts and truly embody them, rather than merely holding them as an abstraction in our minds.

You are and always have been whole

When we allow ourselves to engage in our own personal healing work, we come to acknowledge that our change journey is actually one of both growth and healing – a delicate, mysterious dance between the two. We find purpose both in harnessing our genius to foster growth and in listening to and following our pain to foster healing. In a way, the two journeys become two interwoven paths or two sides of the same coin.

As we heal our own wounds, we inherently heal others and contribute to the world. By integrating damaged or detached aspects of ourselves, we prevent ourselves from hurting others through our coping and numbing behaviors. We also heal our wounds so that we can keep pressing forward with our purpose with strength and resilience.

But more than that, we realize that by living our passions and instilling our values in the world, we also inherently heal ourselves through that process. In fact, perhaps the most transcendent and highest form of healing our own emotional wounds is to offer to the world what we needed but didn’t get. By offering it as a gift to the world, we realize that it was always in us to offer. We realize that so many of these wounds are, at least in some sense, our greatest gifts. And in doing so, we realize that we are, and always have been, whole.

Announcement

The free coaching sessions have been a hit! So much so that I've decided to make one free coaching session available per week in perpetuity (though limited to one per person).

If you are feeling called to make a change in your life or career, move through stuckness or doubt, or tap more deeply into genius and your highest calling, I would be honored to support you. No charge. No sales. No strings. Just an opportunity to move forward with whatever life is calling you into.

Peter Schulte Leadership coach Bellingham WA USA About | Instagram | Donate