In my early years, when I felt wronged or something was happening that I didn’t approve of, I was often quite meek. I didn’t feel comfortable or safe standing up for myself or speaking my truth. I felt like I had to be a good little boy and keep quiet.
But by my 20s, I had learned to speak up. I would let people know when I wasn’t happy with something or when I felt there was some breach of integrity. It felt important, like I was finally standing up for that meek little boy. It felt like I was becoming a man. Today, I imagine few people in my life think of me as meek.
On one hand, this has felt empowering. I know I’m not going to let myself be trampled over. I know I can speak up for myself and for what I believe is good and true.
But as I begin to construct what Peter in his 40s is like, I’m noticing that standing up for myself in this way doesn’t feel nearly as empowering as it once did. It feels exhausting. It feels boring. It feels immature, even weak.
I’ve found myself in a few situations recently that would have provoked such a stand in years past. To my surprise, I now feel genuinely curious: What if I just let it go and moved on? What if I just let them be on whatever trip they’re on? Would it actually, in any practical sense, hurt me or affect my integrity?
When I imagine it, it doesn’t feel scary. It doesn’t feel meek. Something within me breathes a deep sigh of relief.
